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A Little Eavesdropping
- By Titus Benton
- Published 09/29/2008
- Theological Themes
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Titus Benton
Titus lives in the suburbs of St. Louis with his pretty wife Kari, adorable daughter Nora, and handsome son Malachi. He has worked in Student Ministry for 9 years in part- or full-time roles. He contributes to http://www.teensundayschool.com. When not cheering on the St. Louis Cardinals, he enjoyes listening to country music, eating greasy food, and reading John Grisham novels.
View all articles by Titus BentonBalancing the Ups and Downs of Marriage, Ministry, and Everything Else
We’ve all heard the horror stories—families in shambles, ministries crumbling at their very foundations, kids the dysfunctional byproducts of a life poorly balanced. I heard them growing up from my preacher. I heard them in the classroom in Bible College. I’ve witnessed them with my own eyes as I’ve seen acquaintances, friends, and even mentors lose their grip and hit bottom hard.
Is there a greater danger to our effectiveness as spouses, ministers, and disciples of Jesus than unchecked lifestyles? How can we handle the ups and downs of marriage without becoming a discouraging statistic? How can we plan our lives so that our identities are less about what we do and more about who we are? When does more become too much, faster too fast, extra extreme? How can we be sure we’re not going to fall?
I don’t know if there are any right or wrong answers to those questions. My suspicion is that it’s different for each person, each married couple, and each ministry context. When I was single and in college, I could pour out a lot more of myself than I can now that I’m married with two kids. When I was “the guy” running a smaller church youth ministry, I was way more strained than my present situation—a larger setting where there’s a layered youth ministry staff.
While there may not be a true/false, all-or-nothing answer to those and other balance-related questions, one thing that cannot be denied is that we all need to address these issues. Male or female, married or single, paid or volunteer—as the old saying goes, “You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.” I don’t want to be wrecked. I would do God, my family, and me little good by allowing that to happen.
So I thought I’d let you in on an ongoing conversation on this very topic between my wife and me. She, a busy gal herself, is a registered nurse, a volunteer in our church’s worship ministry, and the mother of two children. Our little girl is three and our little boy is only a few months old. No matter whom she married, my wife could be overwhelmed with that kind of load—though getting hitched to Mr. Youth Minister may not have been the smartest move for her (though I’m sure thankful for her lapse in judgment).
So let’s pretend we’re all at a coffee shop, and you can’t help but overhear the conversation between the stunningly good-looking couple in the next booth. Here’s a little sampling:
Titus: What do you like about being married to a youth minister?
Kari: I like that there’s flexibility in your job. It’s not 9 to 5, necessarily. If you need to go in a little later or come home a little early, it’s okay. I like that you have a weekday off.
Titus: What don’t you like?
Kari: Not only do you work hard during the day, but you also work a lot of evenings. I wish sometimes that when you had to work an evening you’d come home earlier in the afternoon for a while. I don’t like that you go on a lot of trips, either.
Titus: Do you feel a lot of pressure to go on trips and be at church every time I am?
Kari: No, but only because I feel like right now my job as a mother is more important than my job as a minister’s wife.
Titus: I like that answer.
Kari: Thanks. Being your wife and being a youth minister’s wife isn’t necessarily the same thing.
Titus: Is that a philosophy you’ve acquired since we’ve been married? Or one you had before we were married?
Kari: Growing up, I saw only youth minister’s wife stereotypes, part of which was being present at everything all the time. But in learning how to strive for balance within our family, I just realized it wasn’t that important. It’s not that I didn’t want to be a part of the ministry or didn’t enjoy it, but I was in school and we had babies—so to try to do it all simply didn’t make sense.
Titus: What are some things that I do as a husband that you really appreciate? What do I do that makes you know I care about you and our kids more than the church?
Kari: (Long Pause)
Titus: If the answer is “nothing,” you can say “nothing.”
Kari: (Giggle—which I am hoping means the answer isn’t “nothing.”) Um … most always you come home at a decent hour. When you come home, you’re done working. You’re not doing stuff all through the evening. You don’t routinely go in on your day off. I appreciate when you ask me to go to lunch. You don’t do it that much, but when you do I appreciate it. I appreciate that you’ve never griped about sharing responsibilities with our kids. We do what works. We don’t focus on what is equal but what works best. I appreciate that you aren’t the kind of man who assumes I take all the responsibilities for our kids. When you do go out of town, you make contact every day. That tells me you don’t enjoy being away from us and that you miss me.
Titus: Is there anything I do that makes you wonder ‘what’s more important than me’?
Kari: Um…(another long pause, which relieves me)
Titus: Because I think everyone says their family is more important because they know that’s the right answer, but not everyone really lives like it.
Kari: Well, I know you well enough that I can tell when something is on your mind. It’s not often that I find you preoccupied with work when you’re with me. When you’re here, you’re here. I think that shows you care about us more. You love what you do, and you do it while you’re there, but it doesn’t consume you. I can tell you wouldn’t rather be with middle schoolers than with me.
Titus: Do you think I say yes to other people more than I say yes to you?
Kari: Sometimes, yeah. You’re a people-pleaser, and unless you know something will really upset me, you say yes to others all the time.
Titus: Can you think of an example?
Kari: I think back to VBS. That’s a big event with you taking a lot on. I understood you were busy, but sometimes it was frustrating that when you were home you were on the phone figuring things out, and I’d just want you to be with me. When you’re in a meeting that’s running late, and you don’t stop to call me to say you’ll be late, you’re saying “yes” to them by being there for them and saying “no” to me by not even letting me know that you’ll be late.
Titus: What’s good phone etiquette for people like us?
Kari: Maybe if you’re on your cell phone when you come home, and you know the phone conversation isn’t done you could ask the person you’re talking to if you could finish it later. Or maybe if you just let your calls go to voicemail when you’re home and tell me that you need to make some phone calls between 7 and 8 p.m. Sometimes I feel like you’re not willing to make other people wait, but it’s always okay to make me wait. You never make people at church wait on a resource or a lesson, but if there’s something that needs to be done at home, it doesn’t always happen as quickly. You’re way better at that than you used to be, but a few years ago that was very frustrating to me.
Titus: How well balanced do you think I am as a person?
Kari: I’m not going to say you’re perfect, but I think overall you’re pretty good. On a given day it may not be that good, but week-to-week, month-to-month it’s pretty good. I think you could organize your life a little better and communicate your schedule with me. Giving me a head’s up that busy times are coming would really help. I wouldn’t be so surprised. Those are the only times when I feel like things are out of balance. And it’s not very often, so it’s not a problem for me.
Titus: What else should we talk about?
Kari: I’m not sure how to fix this, but I feel like we go to church independently of each other because you’re doing stuff other places.
Titus: I feel that way, too. I hate it.
Kari: Sometimes it makes me feel like if I were serving with you, it’d be better, but I don’t think it’s healthy for us not to be together in worship.
Titus: Can you say something positive here at the very end? Because based on the last 15 minutes I feel like I really stink as a husband and father.
Kari: (laughter)
Titus: If you were standing in front of a room full of youth ministers, and you could tell them what I did that they should copy, what are some things that you really value?
Kari: Don’t limit me to just three, because then I’ll feel like I have to pick the best three, and it’ll be too much pressure, so let me just say what comes to mind. I’m not like you—I can’t come up with three great points for everything!
Titus: Okay.
Kari: You don’t tell me too much of what’s going on at church to the point where I’m frustrated about the things that are going on, but you do tell me enough so that I don’t feel out of the loop. There’s a fine balance between those two, and it’s probably different for every couple. You have a consistent, predictable, come-home time. You try your best to write stuff on our calendar. You speak well of me in public. I probably would rate that number one. You don’t illustrate your point with something that might embarrass me. In front of kids and sponsors you demonstrate your love for me. I think you love your kids better than I could’ve asked for. You don’t love other people’s kids so much that you don’t have any left for your own. I’m perfectly okay that we’re not always hanging out with high schoolers. Our home is for our family. That might sound selfish, but I don’t mean it that way. But if the home isn’t sacred, then where can a wife have her husband all to herself?
Titus: Well, I’m only disappointed in one thing.
Kari: What’s that?
Titus: In all our conversation you didn’t say that you like it when I make you breakfast.
Kari: Aww … just the other day when you were cooking us breakfast I was sitting there thinking about how good I had it. When I come home from work and you make me supper, I really like that.
Titus: Good.
Kari: By the way, thank you for taking out the trash today, but you forgot the bathroom trash, and the two trashcans downstairs are full.
Titus: Yes they are.
As you’ve overheard, my wife and I don’t have it all figured out, but I’m learning that it’s probably more important that we’re working on it. If you haven’t asked yourself some tough balance questions lately, you should. Better yet, ask your spouse.
If you’re not married, ask your boss, colleagues, assistant, or other church leaders what they think. Ask a friend if you’re working too much, and give that friend permission to help you set some boundaries.
At the end of the day, we have one life to live, and a life fractured into a thousand pieces will probably not be very effective. Let me throw some practical parting words your way. Chew on all this and hopefully it will be helpful.
• I want the people who know me best to respect me the most.
• If I work more than 50 hours a week, that means I’m spending almost half of a five-day span at work. That’s too much.
• I’m the only dad my kids have, and the only husband my wife has. The students at my church have two paid youth ministers, two interns, and dozens of volunteers looking after them. To whom am I more valuable?
• I need to work harder at home than I do at church, not vice versa.
• Watching ESPN while my wife folds laundry on the couch is not quality time. (Fortunately I don’t have cable on purpose to avoid that distraction; unfortunately there are plenty of other distractions at my disposal.)
• Date Night are two words that should never be forgotten.
• Vacation must be used. (And church camp is not vacation.)
• Cooking breakfast on Saturday morning is a good thing. So are reading books before bedtime, singing in the car, and going to the park.
• Fantasy Football isn’t more important than doing the dishes.
• I gave my wife permission to ask me to quit ministry. She only gets to ask once, and I promised to do it if she asked.
• I hope never to be so consumed by youth ministry that she has to ask.
Is there a greater danger to our effectiveness as spouses, ministers, and disciples of Jesus than unchecked lifestyles? How can we handle the ups and downs of marriage without becoming a discouraging statistic? How can we plan our lives so that our identities are less about what we do and more about who we are? When does more become too much, faster too fast, extra extreme? How can we be sure we’re not going to fall?
I don’t know if there are any right or wrong answers to those questions. My suspicion is that it’s different for each person, each married couple, and each ministry context. When I was single and in college, I could pour out a lot more of myself than I can now that I’m married with two kids. When I was “the guy” running a smaller church youth ministry, I was way more strained than my present situation—a larger setting where there’s a layered youth ministry staff.
While there may not be a true/false, all-or-nothing answer to those and other balance-related questions, one thing that cannot be denied is that we all need to address these issues. Male or female, married or single, paid or volunteer—as the old saying goes, “You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.” I don’t want to be wrecked. I would do God, my family, and me little good by allowing that to happen.
So I thought I’d let you in on an ongoing conversation on this very topic between my wife and me. She, a busy gal herself, is a registered nurse, a volunteer in our church’s worship ministry, and the mother of two children. Our little girl is three and our little boy is only a few months old. No matter whom she married, my wife could be overwhelmed with that kind of load—though getting hitched to Mr. Youth Minister may not have been the smartest move for her (though I’m sure thankful for her lapse in judgment).
So let’s pretend we’re all at a coffee shop, and you can’t help but overhear the conversation between the stunningly good-looking couple in the next booth. Here’s a little sampling:
Titus: What do you like about being married to a youth minister?
Kari: I like that there’s flexibility in your job. It’s not 9 to 5, necessarily. If you need to go in a little later or come home a little early, it’s okay. I like that you have a weekday off.
Titus: What don’t you like?
Kari: Not only do you work hard during the day, but you also work a lot of evenings. I wish sometimes that when you had to work an evening you’d come home earlier in the afternoon for a while. I don’t like that you go on a lot of trips, either.
Titus: Do you feel a lot of pressure to go on trips and be at church every time I am?
Kari: No, but only because I feel like right now my job as a mother is more important than my job as a minister’s wife.
Titus: I like that answer.
Kari: Thanks. Being your wife and being a youth minister’s wife isn’t necessarily the same thing.
Titus: Is that a philosophy you’ve acquired since we’ve been married? Or one you had before we were married?
Kari: Growing up, I saw only youth minister’s wife stereotypes, part of which was being present at everything all the time. But in learning how to strive for balance within our family, I just realized it wasn’t that important. It’s not that I didn’t want to be a part of the ministry or didn’t enjoy it, but I was in school and we had babies—so to try to do it all simply didn’t make sense.
Titus: What are some things that I do as a husband that you really appreciate? What do I do that makes you know I care about you and our kids more than the church?
Kari: (Long Pause)
Titus: If the answer is “nothing,” you can say “nothing.”
Kari: (Giggle—which I am hoping means the answer isn’t “nothing.”) Um … most always you come home at a decent hour. When you come home, you’re done working. You’re not doing stuff all through the evening. You don’t routinely go in on your day off. I appreciate when you ask me to go to lunch. You don’t do it that much, but when you do I appreciate it. I appreciate that you’ve never griped about sharing responsibilities with our kids. We do what works. We don’t focus on what is equal but what works best. I appreciate that you aren’t the kind of man who assumes I take all the responsibilities for our kids. When you do go out of town, you make contact every day. That tells me you don’t enjoy being away from us and that you miss me.
Titus: Is there anything I do that makes you wonder ‘what’s more important than me’?
Kari: Um…(another long pause, which relieves me)
Titus: Because I think everyone says their family is more important because they know that’s the right answer, but not everyone really lives like it.
Kari: Well, I know you well enough that I can tell when something is on your mind. It’s not often that I find you preoccupied with work when you’re with me. When you’re here, you’re here. I think that shows you care about us more. You love what you do, and you do it while you’re there, but it doesn’t consume you. I can tell you wouldn’t rather be with middle schoolers than with me.
Titus: Do you think I say yes to other people more than I say yes to you?
Kari: Sometimes, yeah. You’re a people-pleaser, and unless you know something will really upset me, you say yes to others all the time.
Titus: Can you think of an example?
Kari: I think back to VBS. That’s a big event with you taking a lot on. I understood you were busy, but sometimes it was frustrating that when you were home you were on the phone figuring things out, and I’d just want you to be with me. When you’re in a meeting that’s running late, and you don’t stop to call me to say you’ll be late, you’re saying “yes” to them by being there for them and saying “no” to me by not even letting me know that you’ll be late.
Titus: What’s good phone etiquette for people like us?
Kari: Maybe if you’re on your cell phone when you come home, and you know the phone conversation isn’t done you could ask the person you’re talking to if you could finish it later. Or maybe if you just let your calls go to voicemail when you’re home and tell me that you need to make some phone calls between 7 and 8 p.m. Sometimes I feel like you’re not willing to make other people wait, but it’s always okay to make me wait. You never make people at church wait on a resource or a lesson, but if there’s something that needs to be done at home, it doesn’t always happen as quickly. You’re way better at that than you used to be, but a few years ago that was very frustrating to me.
Titus: How well balanced do you think I am as a person?
Kari: I’m not going to say you’re perfect, but I think overall you’re pretty good. On a given day it may not be that good, but week-to-week, month-to-month it’s pretty good. I think you could organize your life a little better and communicate your schedule with me. Giving me a head’s up that busy times are coming would really help. I wouldn’t be so surprised. Those are the only times when I feel like things are out of balance. And it’s not very often, so it’s not a problem for me.
Titus: What else should we talk about?
Kari: I’m not sure how to fix this, but I feel like we go to church independently of each other because you’re doing stuff other places.
Titus: I feel that way, too. I hate it.
Kari: Sometimes it makes me feel like if I were serving with you, it’d be better, but I don’t think it’s healthy for us not to be together in worship.
Titus: Can you say something positive here at the very end? Because based on the last 15 minutes I feel like I really stink as a husband and father.
Kari: (laughter)
Titus: If you were standing in front of a room full of youth ministers, and you could tell them what I did that they should copy, what are some things that you really value?
Kari: Don’t limit me to just three, because then I’ll feel like I have to pick the best three, and it’ll be too much pressure, so let me just say what comes to mind. I’m not like you—I can’t come up with three great points for everything!
Titus: Okay.
Kari: You don’t tell me too much of what’s going on at church to the point where I’m frustrated about the things that are going on, but you do tell me enough so that I don’t feel out of the loop. There’s a fine balance between those two, and it’s probably different for every couple. You have a consistent, predictable, come-home time. You try your best to write stuff on our calendar. You speak well of me in public. I probably would rate that number one. You don’t illustrate your point with something that might embarrass me. In front of kids and sponsors you demonstrate your love for me. I think you love your kids better than I could’ve asked for. You don’t love other people’s kids so much that you don’t have any left for your own. I’m perfectly okay that we’re not always hanging out with high schoolers. Our home is for our family. That might sound selfish, but I don’t mean it that way. But if the home isn’t sacred, then where can a wife have her husband all to herself?
Titus: Well, I’m only disappointed in one thing.
Kari: What’s that?
Titus: In all our conversation you didn’t say that you like it when I make you breakfast.
Kari: Aww … just the other day when you were cooking us breakfast I was sitting there thinking about how good I had it. When I come home from work and you make me supper, I really like that.
Titus: Good.
Kari: By the way, thank you for taking out the trash today, but you forgot the bathroom trash, and the two trashcans downstairs are full.
Titus: Yes they are.
As you’ve overheard, my wife and I don’t have it all figured out, but I’m learning that it’s probably more important that we’re working on it. If you haven’t asked yourself some tough balance questions lately, you should. Better yet, ask your spouse.
If you’re not married, ask your boss, colleagues, assistant, or other church leaders what they think. Ask a friend if you’re working too much, and give that friend permission to help you set some boundaries.
At the end of the day, we have one life to live, and a life fractured into a thousand pieces will probably not be very effective. Let me throw some practical parting words your way. Chew on all this and hopefully it will be helpful.
• I want the people who know me best to respect me the most.
• If I work more than 50 hours a week, that means I’m spending almost half of a five-day span at work. That’s too much.
• I’m the only dad my kids have, and the only husband my wife has. The students at my church have two paid youth ministers, two interns, and dozens of volunteers looking after them. To whom am I more valuable?
• I need to work harder at home than I do at church, not vice versa.
• Watching ESPN while my wife folds laundry on the couch is not quality time. (Fortunately I don’t have cable on purpose to avoid that distraction; unfortunately there are plenty of other distractions at my disposal.)
• Date Night are two words that should never be forgotten.
• Vacation must be used. (And church camp is not vacation.)
• Cooking breakfast on Saturday morning is a good thing. So are reading books before bedtime, singing in the car, and going to the park.
• Fantasy Football isn’t more important than doing the dishes.
• I gave my wife permission to ask me to quit ministry. She only gets to ask once, and I promised to do it if she asked.
• I hope never to be so consumed by youth ministry that she has to ask.
