G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Rating: PG-13 (for strong sequences of action, violence and mayhem throughout)
Run Time: 118 min.

Reviewed by: Smitty Wheeler

Overview: Hollywood has spent the last fifteen years taking cartoons and action figures from my youth and turning them into either really great, or really poor action movies. So, when one my oldest boys asked me to join him during the opening weekend of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, my expectations were for a large crowd, lots of special effects and a very thin, predictable plot-line. Were my expectations met? “Sir, yes sir!”

With a budget of $175 million, the film’s special effects were non stop and kept your eyes panning from corner-to-corner of the screen. As best we could tell, $150 million went into the special effects and green screen shots, $24+ million going to the actors and about... hmmmm.... a buck fifty, maybe, being spent to actually write the script. Don’t get me wrong, the non-stop action was fairly entertaining, but we actually found ourselves laughing out load at how many of the action shots and how much of the story-line was a direct knock-off of some of other well known movies in this genre.

The Lowdown: James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston) is the largest arms supplier in the world and has developed the first nanotech warheads. While these weapons don’t cause a major explosion, or nuclear fallout, once the nanites inside are powered up and released, they begin to eat everything in their path while multiplying at an exponential rate. Having received billions of dollars from the United Nations to develop this weaponry (a very strange UN expenditure one would think) he has decided to “acquire” the weapons for his own personal aspirations – World domination.

McCullen chooses a security team lead by Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) to deliver his newly developed weapons safely to a U.S. Military base, but the team is ambushed by The Baroness (Sienna Miller), Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee) and a group of super soldiers (reminiscent of Star Wars storm troopers).During the attack, all of the security team are killed, except for Duke and Ripcord. They are saved by the super-secret G.I. Joe team, headed up by Gen. Hawk (Dennis Quaid). Hawk eventually recruits Duke and Ripcord to help him find and retrieve the warheads before they can be used.

The chase around the globe that follows shows the destruction of the Eiffel Tower, a fly-by of the pyramids in Egypt, car chases, gun battles, theater rocking explosions and a climactic battle at McCullen’s undersea lair. The big underwater battle scene involves hundreds of fighter vessels, or “sharks,” that once again make you flash back to Star Wars, or maybe Battle Star Gallactica, if you’re a younger fan. If nothing else, all of the cool techno gadgets, weapons, villains and heroes should keep toymaker (and now movie maker) Hasboro happy for the next few years.

Teachable Moments: All the G.I. Joe team members exhibit courage, loyalty, dedication and are willing to put themselves in harm's way to protect others. One G.I. Joe team member, Snake Eyes (Ray Park) embodies perseverance as well as loyalty to his murdered martial arts master. Ripcord nearly sacrifices himself to save Washington, D.C. from certain destruction.

When Scarlett loses a fight with the Baroness and expresses her frustration, because her father "taught me to win," Ripcord comforts her. "You get knocked down, you get back up," he says. "Maybe that's what he wanted you to learn."

Viewer Discretion: The Baroness leaves nothing to the imagination as her leather outfits are perfectly tailored to hug every curve of her body. She also comes on strong to a number of guys in the movie and gives her husband a very passionate kiss while one of her her partners in evil slips behind him and stabs him in the back.

Lots and lots of people are shot, blow-up or crushed. The are a number of profanities and God's name is misused at least a half-a-dozen times while Jesus' name is taken once.

General Appeal: Watching G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is like watching an episode of the old G.I. Joe cartoon from the mid-1980s on steroids. Zero plot line, minimal character development (although some was done by dropping in an overabundance of flash backs) but a whole lot of stuff blowing up. And, with $100 million spent to promote it, the guys in your youth group will definitely find this movie. However, you’ll be much less disappointed if you watch GI Joe as a rental...especially if you wait until you can get it from the $1 Movie Box.