Don’t know if you heard, but Michael Jackson died. During his life he was one of the best entertainers of his generation. He had a lot of great music, and no one was better than young Michael. But as a grown man he creeped me out! To this day, when I think about Jacko, I think about his interview with British journalist, Martin Bashir. A 44 year old Jacko spends an entire segment of the interview trying to justify the relational benefit of having young boys sleep in his bed. While I think Michael may have been pure in his motives (I hope), he definitely crossed the creepy line. My skin crawls just thinking about it!

I think Martin Bashir could have interviewed a lot of youth leaders and gotten a similar reaction from the outside world. How many times have youth leaders crossed the creepy line, with pure motives, justifying it as relational youth ministry? Maybe Bashir would ask us about hanging out at a 14 year old’s house to play video games, or taking a 16 year old to see a late movie. That may not seem creepy when you’re a 22 year old youth leader right out of college, but what about when you’re 35…or 44? Sound creepy? Maybe not to a fellow youth leader, but it might to those viewing it from the outside in.

Knowing that age changes perception, I think both young and old should have a similar style of relational ministry that doesn’t cross the creepy line. This is for two reasons:

• The youth leader models ministry for his/her older volunteer leaders. What may not be creepy for you will be creepy if an adult leader that picks up on your style.
• If the youth leader is in it for the long haul, his/her style will eventually have to change. Why not start with a philosophy that is just as effective?

So the big question is, “How do we have a relational ministry without crossing the creepy line?” I present to you a chart I made to help visualize a safe relational ministry with boundaries:

Youth leaders minister in two worlds, his/her world and the student's world. Each world is separate. You have a separate life from your students’ life(blue). You have office hours, family time, chores, etc. Your students also have a separate life from yours (yellow). They go to school, have parties, hangout with their families, etc. Ministry happens when the two overlap in a  relationship purposed for life-change (green). This view of relational ministry shows the youth leaders two main responsibilities when ministering to students:

1. Helping the student live out the gospel in his/her own world.

We do this in various ways. Maybe we attend their school activities or a graduation party. Or maybe we eat dinner with their family or visit them at school for lunch. Essentially, we enter their world to help them live out the gospel in their world.

2. Giving the student glimpses of the gospel being lived in the youth leaders world. 

We also minister to them by allowing students to see how the gospel is lived out in our world. Maybe they tag along at the church office, or we invite them to a family Bible study. Maybe it’s as simple as involving them in mowing your lawn! Whatever it is, we allow the student to enter our world to see what it looks like for the gospel to be lived out.

Notice that the worlds are not altered to fit the ministering relationship. The youth leader and the student can still live in their own world without the other being present. The student will eat lunch at school whether the youth leader is there or not. The youth leader will go to the office whether the student is there or not. There is nothing creepy about that. So far, so good.

“Planet Jacko”

Youth leaders begin to near the creepy line when they develop a new, separate world that can only be lived in with the other person present. When a youth leader and a student decide to go to watch a movie together and talk over ice cream afterwards they make a new world. I call this world “Planet Jacko”. Planet Jacko is a created world that neither parties live in day-to-day. While this may seem like a quick, effective way to build trust and respect it doesn't benefit the student’s world. The student is being mentored in a world that he/she doesn't live.

On Planet Jacko ministry is a by-product, not the goal. Instead, friendship is the goal with the hope of ministering. The youth leader says, "I'll take Johnny to a concert, and maybe we'll talk about Jesus on the drive." And maybe they do (most of the time they don't), but the initial purpose is never ministry—it’s friendship. The youth leader trys to be a friend first, instead of a mentor. And hopefully I don’t have to point out that a 44 year old man having a 14 year old friend crosses the creepy line.

While I think there are situations when it is beneficial to meet up outside of you and your student’s world (confrontation or a deeply rooted spiritual issue), they should be few and far between and always involve the parents. Jesus did not create a new world to show us how to live. He came into our world and gave us a vision for how to live in it. And on occasion he allowed us to peek into his world through his relationship with the Father. I think we could easily avoid crossing the creepy line if we did the same.
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This article is condensed from a four part series on www.Nikomas.com