Aaron Giesler
Aaron is the youth pastor at Grace Church in Abq, NM. He passionately loves Jesus and ministering to teens. Also, he has a couple of degrees from different schools that only means he is able to pass tests. Aaron has a lovely wife Heather and three great kids who put up with his crazy schedule. Sports, outdoors, guns, reading, and Applied Math are his other interests.
e(vil)Harmony and Relationships Pt. 2
- By Aaron Giesler
- Published 05/3/2008
In my last blog I was probably was a little harsh on eHarmony b/c I know that Dr. Warren
means well and is trying to make people happier. But,
I do believe that a bunch of ad agents and marketing people took a good idea and ran with the message they thought would sell. eHarmony
does bill itself as a place where anyone can find the person of their
dreams... (keep reading I promise this deals with student ministry...)
"eHarmony - the first relationship service on the Web to use a scientific approach to match highly compatible singles. Millions of people of all ages, ethnicities, and religious backgrounds have used eHarmony's patented Compatibility Matching System-- to find the love of their lives." http://www.eharmony.com/servlet/about/eharmony
Personally, I have nothing against relationship services. In today's world people need a different kind of help to find someone to date. But, I do think the picture it paints is harmful to our youth singles and their outlook on love and marriage.
Also, in response to a comment on Pt. 1 of this blog I, in fact, know many of the aspects that their "compatibility matching system" uses. They are many of the same things that most other relationship inventories use. I partially agree with you that interests hobbies and outlooks are important to start a relationship, (along with biochemistry between the two people and inexplicable feelings) but those take a backseat after a few years. The two qualities I see as essential (based on lots relationship research) to making a relationship last (and last happily) is commitment and ability to choose the "us" rather than being selfish.
I do think you can throw 2 people together and have it work, and work well. I've seen matches made "in heaven" where everyone knew that "these two were gonna last" get divorced after a year or two. Conversely, I've seen people get married and stay married despite both sets of parents keeping all the receipts to the wedding presents (they didn't even think the wedding would happen). I know a couple who now have a great, God-honoring relationship who met smoking crack under a bridge. And I know a couple who were both committed to being foreign missionaries and in seminary who didn't make it to their 2nd anniversary. I do not think that finding the right person is the ticket to marital bliss.
eHarmony, and others with the same message, have the potential to increase chances of lasting relationships, but it's not based on finding the right person.
Evil is probably the wrong word, but it's easy to make it work b/c of the name. I agree it is a fallacy to call them that. And I'm happy for anyone who gets married and met on the site. My advice to them, and to anyone who is going to get married, is finding the right person is the easy part, being the right person is most important part. It is hard and takes work, but it is worth every minute of it.
We need to be teaching our students how to communicate clearly, deal properly with conflict, have a positive self-image, deal with money, and give them a realistic picture of what it takes to sustain a godly relationship. (whether it be a marriage, friendship, ministry group, band, etc...) These issues end marriages and most couples go into marriage ill-equipped at dealing with them. Moreover, all of those issues keep us as people from "living in unity" much more than finding the right person to be around. These skills are important to life, and community in Christ.
This attitude also distorts people's idea of marriage. I seriously doubt that any student worker speaks about friends in the terms of "God has one person out there for you to be your best friend for life. It is ordained by God that you two be best friends..." But I've witnessed student workers paint that picture of marriage. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that in God's sovereignty he knew my wife and I would get married. Though I also think either of us could have married another person and had a God-honoring marriage. As student workers we should emphasize choosing a good mate, being committed for life, working hard at making Christ the center of the marriage, but not take it the ridiculous extreme that some people do.
I know I said I would look at Biblical evidence... in my next I promise.
"eHarmony - the first relationship service on the Web to use a scientific approach to match highly compatible singles. Millions of people of all ages, ethnicities, and religious backgrounds have used eHarmony's patented Compatibility Matching System-- to find the love of their lives." http://www.eharmony.com/servlet/about/eharmony
Personally, I have nothing against relationship services. In today's world people need a different kind of help to find someone to date. But, I do think the picture it paints is harmful to our youth singles and their outlook on love and marriage.
Also, in response to a comment on Pt. 1 of this blog I, in fact, know many of the aspects that their "compatibility matching system" uses. They are many of the same things that most other relationship inventories use. I partially agree with you that interests hobbies and outlooks are important to start a relationship, (along with biochemistry between the two people and inexplicable feelings) but those take a backseat after a few years. The two qualities I see as essential (based on lots relationship research) to making a relationship last (and last happily) is commitment and ability to choose the "us" rather than being selfish.
I do think you can throw 2 people together and have it work, and work well. I've seen matches made "in heaven" where everyone knew that "these two were gonna last" get divorced after a year or two. Conversely, I've seen people get married and stay married despite both sets of parents keeping all the receipts to the wedding presents (they didn't even think the wedding would happen). I know a couple who now have a great, God-honoring relationship who met smoking crack under a bridge. And I know a couple who were both committed to being foreign missionaries and in seminary who didn't make it to their 2nd anniversary. I do not think that finding the right person is the ticket to marital bliss.
eHarmony, and others with the same message, have the potential to increase chances of lasting relationships, but it's not based on finding the right person.
Evil is probably the wrong word, but it's easy to make it work b/c of the name. I agree it is a fallacy to call them that. And I'm happy for anyone who gets married and met on the site. My advice to them, and to anyone who is going to get married, is finding the right person is the easy part, being the right person is most important part. It is hard and takes work, but it is worth every minute of it.
We need to be teaching our students how to communicate clearly, deal properly with conflict, have a positive self-image, deal with money, and give them a realistic picture of what it takes to sustain a godly relationship. (whether it be a marriage, friendship, ministry group, band, etc...) These issues end marriages and most couples go into marriage ill-equipped at dealing with them. Moreover, all of those issues keep us as people from "living in unity" much more than finding the right person to be around. These skills are important to life, and community in Christ.
This attitude also distorts people's idea of marriage. I seriously doubt that any student worker speaks about friends in the terms of "God has one person out there for you to be your best friend for life. It is ordained by God that you two be best friends..." But I've witnessed student workers paint that picture of marriage. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that in God's sovereignty he knew my wife and I would get married. Though I also think either of us could have married another person and had a God-honoring marriage. As student workers we should emphasize choosing a good mate, being committed for life, working hard at making Christ the center of the marriage, but not take it the ridiculous extreme that some people do.
I know I said I would look at Biblical evidence... in my next I promise.
