I once had an old man tell me, "the hardest thing for kids these days is that the plumbing works pretty early but we tell them they can't flush the toilet for years..."  That man married early and stayed married (to the same woman) until he died.  At the time I thought he was crazy.  To me it seemed people just have an issue with self-control, no biggie. But as I matured in youth ministry (I know, counter-intuitive) I have seen that sex is HUGE problem with almost every kid in some way or another.  Whether it's the acceptance, the desire fit in, the desire to "express" their burning passion, it is on the forefront of many of the teens minds. 

In the college ministry it doesn't get any better.  Except in the college setting it is WAY easier to hide your sexual sin b/c no one is checking up on you like back in high school.  After all that I have been through, which in only 10 years of ministry ain't that much, I'm really rethinking how I talk about purity.  Is simply having ONE MORE accountability partner the best way to curb sexual promiscuity?  Is all that a teen needs is more information on the negative consequences of sexual activity?  (has that tact worked that well with other substances?)  Is the message we need to be sending to our students "wait until you are 24-34 years old so you can handle having sex?" 

I'm not sure.  But I'm really trying to figure out what is best.  I'm glad to know I'm not alone in my thinking that I might not have done it in the best way in the past.  Below is a blog entry from a guy named Josh.  It is used with permission and you can visit his blog by clicking here.

"I don't know how long ago the “True Love Waits” program started, but I think I can safely say that it is one of the most influential programs that has risen out of the church. Abstinence became a buzzword in a time when sexual experimentation was all the rage. But is that program in agreement with what the Bible teaches or not?

Well, of COURSE, “True Love Waits” is Christian. Doesn't the Bible tell us not to have sex before marriage? Well, actually the Bible talks a lot about not committing adultery and keeping the marriage bed pure, but never really mentions sex before marriage per say (as far as I can remember). Probably because everyone got married pretty close to the time they became capable of having sex before marriage. In any case, it is pretty clear that sex before marriage is a sin.

But what else does the Bible say? How about 1 Corinthians 7? Doesn't 1 Corinthians 7:8 say “it is better to marry than to burn with passion”? In fact, this verse is directly after Paul's injunction to married couples to have sex regularly so they won't be tempted by Satan. Now that, friends, is a far different message than the message of “True Love Waits”. The message of “True Love Waits” is, if you just have enough self-control and/or faith, then you can be “pure” for your spouse when you get married. That seems exactly opposite of Paul's message, to be frank. Paul's slogan would be something more like, “I Wish You Could Stay Single Like Me, But If You Are Struggling with Lust, GET MARRIED!”. It's not quite as catchy as “True Love Waits”, but Paul was never very good at brevity :)

Can I comment for a second on how a program like “True Love Waits” got started and gained such widespread appeal? I think that “True Love Waits” accepts two American values without question that are deeply ingrained in our society.

1. Independence. In our society, to get married, it is generally accepted that the married couple will move off on their own and support themselves. This implies that both parties must be old enough to get jobs and afford their own place to live. In contrast, in many societies (including New Testament-era Israel), the wife moves in with the husband's parent's household. So the new family is integrated into the old, and the exceptional financial and emotional burden of independence is not placed on the new couple.

2. Love is found, not built. In our society, we have developed elaborate dating rituals, dating services, online forums, etc. in order to help people find their “perfect match”. However, in biblical times, the norm was arranged marriage. For them, love was the result of marriage, not the cause of marriage. That is still the case for many countries today. The idea that a young person can find a better mate for themselves than their parents could is an ... intriguing idea to say the least. And we can't exactly say that our cultural norm is vastly superior to arranged marriage since we have a divorce rate of over half.

So, if we accept these two values, that couples must be independent and that love is found, not built; of course, a program of abstinence is absolutely necessary. Our children must get through high school and college so that they can get good jobs and make a good, independent life for themselves. And while they are going through high school and college is a great time to date around and find that “special someone”, that is God's perfect person for them. These are not Christian values, so the nation at large has accepted them, and, because everyone knows that teenage pregnancy is a handicap to a person's independence, Americans have, to some degree, accepted the “True Love Waits” prescription of celibacy. Or they have promoted contraception and abortion.

But looking at the sheer volume of sexual sin that are destroying young people right now, things like casual sex, masturbation, and pornography, maybe we need to take another look at our American values. Maybe mid-teen (circa pubertal, the “burning with passion” stage of life) marriage is not such a bad thing. Maybe independence is not all its cracked up to be. Maybe love isn't found, like you find a shiny nickel on the side of road, but built by years of love and service. Maybe all teaching all these kids that they are worthless sinners because they had sex before marriage, but if they just TRY HARDER next time they can be “recycled virgins” is not quite on track with biblical teaching. There is a famous quote by a sixteen year old girl after the demonstration of passing a beautiful rose around a crowded auditorium for everyone to touch. When it returns to the stage, the rose is tattered and wilted. The speaker for True Love Waits then makes a comparison between that tattered rose and a person who is sexually active outside of marriage. The girl said, in tears “But I don't want to be a tattered rose.”

Maybe we need to look at another word of Paul's to the church, this time in Acts 15:10. “Now then, why do you try to test God by putting on the necks of the disciples that neither we nor our fathers have been able to bear?” How sexually pure were you and your friends before marriage? Then, why put that burden on your kids? Know what I mean, Jean?"

I would love to hear your thoughts, positive or negative, on this...